Children and Finances: What is a good age?

My son is 5 years old and I decided it was time for him to have a savings account.  Some people may feel 5 years old is too young, some may feel he should have been saving money a long time ago.  That’s the beauty of being a parent and having different philosophies, there is no wrong answer considering all are in agreement that a child SHOULD save money.

The decision for my son and me to open an account for him came about suddenly.  With my children, I link a milestones in their life as an introduction to more advanced skills.  For example, when my daughter gave up her pacifier, I made it a big deal, let her know she is now a big girl which meant no more crib. Because she reached the milestone of the giving up the pacifier, it was also time to give up the “baby bed” and transition to a “big girl bed.”  My son had a very similar experience, with a few additional cues letting me know that developmentally he was ready and had a deeper concept of a bank, money and what money is used for.

My son lost his first tooth on New Year’s Eve.   He had been waiting for this moment for weeks, wiggling the tooth, looking at in the mirror and wondering what the tooth fairy was going to bring him!  Earlier that day we were at the store and for the first time, he was constantly asking me to buy him things.  Not only was he asking me to buy him various items, he would then say, “not today mommy, you don’t have any dollars?”  That was a good conversation starter.  I asked if he had any dollars.  He said he didn’t have any dollars, but that he had lots of little money (coins) in his piggy bank at his dad’s house.  The conversation continued as I gauged his level of understanding. 

As we returned home, it hit me: let’s link the losing of his 1st tooth to the opening of a savings account!  Logically or developmentally are they at all correlated?  No, but coupled with the conversation in the grocery store and the “need” for a reason, it made sense (parents are so innovative!).  My son was excited and continues to be excited.  He talks about his bank account and his money with his little sister, who is now also eagerly awaiting her first tooth to come out.  My son knows he has his own money, and that if he wants to buy something he has to have enough money in his account.

As my children get older, more mature and develop an even deeper understanding, the conversations will change, the expectations on how much they will save vs. spend will change and through it all, my children will have a say so.  Why shouldn’t they, it’s their money. 

My goal is to give my children what I didn’t have.  My first savings account wasn’t opened until I was in my 30’s.  Saving money was a foreign concept to me.  My mother was an excellent example on how to save money, on how to live on a budget, she taught me about necessities vs. wants and I never lacked for anything.  But I had no idea HOW she would budget her money.  I had no idea WHERE she saved, what 401k meant or WHY she was even saving money.  All of that will change with my children. 

Yes, my son is only 5 years old.  But for the past 5 years he has watched his mommy make purchases for him and his sister, put gas in the car, buy food, pay tuition and purchase everything else that is needed, with no explanation.  The savings account opened also aligns with what he is learning in kindergarten.  Money was introduced in early December so in essence, I am enhancing what’s being taught in the classroom.

Can I stop the negative influences thrown at my children day in and day out in the media, at school and by other family members?  Of course not.  But I can teach by example, limit access to media and instill core values early on.  The goal is to start young, teach young and continue to oversee and guide your child as they grow, earn more money and are presented with more options to spend and to preferably, save.

 

2 Parents + 1 Society= A Power Struggle…whose perspective “wins?

*This is a previously written post from my other blog: www.whydidigetmarried.wordpress.com.  It felt appropriate to include it in this blog as well.

 

“The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else.”

FINALLY!  A decision has been made as to where the kids will live most of the time. I know the courts favor a 50/50 split, but in my experience, I am not for it.  Why?  Because my ex and I have very different views on money, materialism, beauty, ways to enhance/build self esteem, health, and unconditional love.  In his defense, much of what we don’t see eye to eye on has to do with upbringing…ok fine, I will stop making excuses for him!  He’s all about image, he buys into society’s values on everything from beauty, fashion, cars and homes.  On the other hand, I am the COMPLETE opposite!

When a 50/50 split in custody time is given and values are not the same, a power struggle begins.  For me, I was not only up against my ex (and his family), I am also going toe to toe with society.  I can deal with  certain things.  If you want the kids to eat chicken nuggets 2-3 times a week, fine.  If you want to overindulged the kids in toys and clothes, fine.  But when my 2 year old daughter comes home with a Barbie video and starts telling me that Barbie is pretty..NOW we have a problem!  Call me deep, tell me I’m overreacting, but isn’t this how young girls nowadays are force fed society’s standard of beauty?  And it’s not just my daughter, my son is picking up on what society thinks as well.

My son has asked me on more than 1 occasion when his skin is going to be light like me and my daughter’s, because he has been brown for a long time.  He is 4 years old, and when I hear that it breaks my heart!  In watching the clips from the “Dark Girls” documentary that is circulating, I cannot help but think back to my own experiences, and think forward to what things will be like for my little girl.  Will she come home after being teased for her skin color or hair?  Will my son continue to want to become lighter, or even worse, begin to believe that lighter is better?  These topics make me physically sick to my stomach.  As a parent who does my best to divert my children from societal norms, it’s tough when Dad does things differently.  T.V. at mommy’s house is virtually non-resistant.  Fast food is not even asked for.  If we are at the store, the kids will ask for toys or videos (because all children do), but know how selective mommy is, and appreciate it all the more when mommy (finally) does say yes.  Am I being extreme?  Perhaps.  But the world and all the messages my babies are bombarded with are more extreme.  It is my duty as a mother to protect my children from anything that will cause them harm:  food and advertisements are not exempt.

While I was going through my custody dispute I had people tell me, “the kids will be fine whether they are with you or with their dad.  It’s their dad and he loves them.”  I understand he loves them, but psychologically can he cultivate self-love and self esteem in my bi-racial children?  I know first hand the experiences, I have heard the comments, I have lived through the questions and looks.  Can open and honest conversations be had with my kids by someone who refuses to believe there is no problem?  So yes, whether or not the kids lived with me most of the time or their dad they would be clothed, they would be fed, they would get baths and go to sleep each night.  But when they lay down their heads, would they sleep soundly, knowing that how they are, who they are and what they will become is more than enough, regardless what society says?  I couldn’t say yes without having any doubts…so I continued with the battle to ensure my children could hold on to their authentic self as long as possible.  My babies tell me their thoughts and feelings, they ask questions to things they don’t understand.  Sometimes I know the answer. But in times when my son asks when his skin will become lighter, all I can do as his mommy is reassure him that however his skin looks today, tomorrow, or the next day, he is the most handsome little boy and mommy loves him.

So the question remains:  in a divorce there are 2 parents, 1 society and a power struggle.  How can one ensure their perspective takes precedence?

My advice:  Be honest with your children.  You cannot protect your children from everything, but YOU are the parent and YOU have the last say.  Be an example to your children.  They watch everything we do!  My kids love their curly hair because mommy’s hair is curly, too.  My kids love music because mommy loves music.  You are your child’s first teacher, greatest influence, and biggest example on how to live beyond what society says is pretty and acceptable.  I KNOW that in spite of my efforts, there will be heartbreak, confusion and hurt feelings for my babies. I cannot protect them from that.  I can only give them a safe place to come home to.  A place where they can just be who they are: 1 brown skin, 1 lighter skin, both curly heads…as cute as they want to be, and PERFECT just the way they are!

Recognizing the Guilt in Parenting

“Guilt is the anger directed at ourselves.”

I have read numerous articles on guilt and parenting.  I never thought it related to me.  I know my limitations as a parent, I know financially what I can and cannot do for my children and have no problem acknowledging that.  When I tell my children no or have to discipline them, I understand it’s for their own good and have no reservations doing so.  So then what was it that made me step back and see the guilt that was guiding my parenting?

Let me give a little bit of history.  My children used to live with me one week and their father the other week.  With this arrangement they were in 2 different preschools.  When I moved back to our old neighborhood I put my children back into their old preschool, the preschool they had both been attending since they were infants.  At the time it worked out because of the location of my office and plus, I was only doing the commute every other week.  As the custody arrangement changed, I kept the kids at the same preschool.  Why?  Because it’s what we all know and trust.

Fast forward to my son starting kindergarten.  His kindergarten was now on the other side of the city.  I also started a new job and my office was now located not too far from my son’s school .  The preschool?  Well, the preschool was a good 25 miles away from my office, 15 miles away from our home and in the opposite direction of our everyday destinations.

The children were now living with me primarily, I was working full-time and had 2 children in 2 different schools located in 2 different parts of the city.  So why did I not do what seemed to be the obvious and change my daughter’s preschool?  In talking to family and friends I would justify it as “continuity of care,” I would use phrases such as, “keeping my daughter in her comfort zone,” and end the sentence with, “as parents we do whatever needs to be done for our children.”  But I was exhausted, stressed and driving over 80 miles a DAY!  That’s absurd considering my office is 8 miles from my house.

Let’s dig a little deeper. WHY was I keeping my daughter in this preschool that was clearly taking away time, money, resources and adding stress?  The answer hit me like a ton of bricks when I was at lunch with a friend.  She was telling me how ridiculous the whole thing was and that I needed to look at moving my daughter.  She asked, “why won’t you move her?”  As the words started to come out of my mouth, the tears started to fall as well, ” I don’t want to take anything else  away from her.  She has lost so much.  She has changed preschools, moved a few times, goes to a different preschool every other week and to take THIS from her to?”  Yes, GUILT.  The guilt I felt as a mother watching her baby girl navigate through each custody arrangement change, listening to her tell me about the teachers and friends she misses at her old school and the memories she has of the “old house” caused me to try to “protect” her from more change.

In that guilt I was willing to maintain this ridiculous schedule, take time away from my son, add stress to my life and take money from the family.  WOW!  Guilt is a powerful thing.  But by me identifying it I was able to take its power away.

I remembered the resiliency of my daughter.  I remembered my ability to choose a preschool with my daughter’s input.  I remembered all the resources and people I know in the field of early education and made the decision to move my daughter.

Today, October 31, 2011 is my daughter’s last day at the preschool she has been at since she was 3 months old…she is now 3 years old.  The gratitude I feel towards the teachers who have helped raise her in indescribable. I know the teachers truly love my children.  The preschool has been a part of my life for over 5 years.  They have accommodated my various custody schedules for no other reason then to make sure the children felt safe and secure in a time of turmoil.

It’s a bittersweet day as my kids and I say goodbye one last time.  But the victory comes in me overcoming my guilt.  Not being held down and held back by my guilt and recognizing and acknowledging all my kids and I can enjoy now that we will have more time, resources and less stress.

Word of advice:  Think about some of the things you do as a parent that may seem extreme. It could be anything from making sure your children are dressed immaculately, to stretching yourself so thin to ensure they have all they “need.”  WHY do you do it?  Sure, we love our children.  But really think about the feelings that surface when you discuss these actions.  Then reflect on those emotions and acknowledge where they are coming from.  Your freedom from guilt could be a conversation or journal entry away.