My son is 5 years old and I decided it was time for him to have a savings account.  Some people may feel 5 years old is too young, some may feel he should have been saving money a long time ago.  That’s the beauty of being a parent and having different philosophies, there is no wrong answer considering all are in agreement that a child SHOULD save money.

The decision for my son and me to open an account for him came about suddenly.  With my children, I link a milestones in their life as an introduction to more advanced skills.  For example, when my daughter gave up her pacifier, I made it a big deal, let her know she is now a big girl which meant no more crib. Because she reached the milestone of the giving up the pacifier, it was also time to give up the “baby bed” and transition to a “big girl bed.”  My son had a very similar experience, with a few additional cues letting me know that developmentally he was ready and had a deeper concept of a bank, money and what money is used for.

My son lost his first tooth on New Year’s Eve.   He had been waiting for this moment for weeks, wiggling the tooth, looking at in the mirror and wondering what the tooth fairy was going to bring him!  Earlier that day we were at the store and for the first time, he was constantly asking me to buy him things.  Not only was he asking me to buy him various items, he would then say, “not today mommy, you don’t have any dollars?”  That was a good conversation starter.  I asked if he had any dollars.  He said he didn’t have any dollars, but that he had lots of little money (coins) in his piggy bank at his dad’s house.  The conversation continued as I gauged his level of understanding. 

As we returned home, it hit me: let’s link the losing of his 1st tooth to the opening of a savings account!  Logically or developmentally are they at all correlated?  No, but coupled with the conversation in the grocery store and the “need” for a reason, it made sense (parents are so innovative!).  My son was excited and continues to be excited.  He talks about his bank account and his money with his little sister, who is now also eagerly awaiting her first tooth to come out.  My son knows he has his own money, and that if he wants to buy something he has to have enough money in his account.

As my children get older, more mature and develop an even deeper understanding, the conversations will change, the expectations on how much they will save vs. spend will change and through it all, my children will have a say so.  Why shouldn’t they, it’s their money. 

My goal is to give my children what I didn’t have.  My first savings account wasn’t opened until I was in my 30′s.  Saving money was a foreign concept to me.  My mother was an excellent example on how to save money, on how to live on a budget, she taught me about necessities vs. wants and I never lacked for anything.  But I had no idea HOW she would budget her money.  I had no idea WHERE she saved, what 401k meant or WHY she was even saving money.  All of that will change with my children. 

Yes, my son is only 5 years old.  But for the past 5 years he has watched his mommy make purchases for him and his sister, put gas in the car, buy food, pay tuition and purchase everything else that is needed, with no explanation.  The savings account opened also aligns with what he is learning in kindergarten.  Money was introduced in early December so in essence, I am enhancing what’s being taught in the classroom.

Can I stop the negative influences thrown at my children day in and day out in the media, at school and by other family members?  Of course not.  But I can teach by example, limit access to media and instill core values early on.  The goal is to start young, teach young and continue to oversee and guide your child as they grow, earn more money and are presented with more options to spend and to preferably, save.

*This is a previously written post from my other blog: www.whydidigetmarried.wordpress.com.  It felt appropriate to include it in this blog as well.

I have read numerous articles on guilt and parenting.  I never thought it related to me.  I know my limitations as a parent, I know financially what I can and cannot do for my children and have no problem acknowledging that.  When I tell my children no or have to discipline them, I understand it’s for their own good and have no reservations doing so.  So then what was it that made me step back and see the guilt that was guiding my parenting?

Let me give a little bit of history.  My children used to live with me one week and their father the other week.  With this arrangement they were in 2 different preschools.  When I moved back to our old neighborhood I put my children back into their old preschool, the preschool they had both been attending since they were infants.  At the time it worked out because of the location of my office and plus, I was only doing the commute every other week.  As the custody arrangement changed, I kept the kids at the same preschool.  Why?  Because it’s what we all know and trust.

Fast forward to my son starting kindergarten.  His kindergarten was now on the other side of the city.  I also started a new job and my office was now located not too far from my son’s school .  The preschool?  Well, the preschool was a good 25 miles away from my office, 15 miles away from our home and in the opposite direction of our everyday destinations.

The children were now living with me primarily, I was working full-time and had 2 children in 2 different schools located in 2 different parts of the city.  So why did I not do what seemed to be the obvious and change my daughter’s preschool?  In talking to family and friends I would justify it as “continuity of care,” I would use phrases such as, “keeping my daughter in her comfort zone,” and end the sentence with, “as parents we do whatever needs to be done for our children.”  But I was exhausted, stressed and driving over 80 miles a DAY!  That’s absurd considering my office is 8 miles from my house. 

Let’s dig a little deeper. WHY was I keeping my daughter in this preschool that was clearly taking away time, money, resources and adding stress?  The answer hit me like a ton of bricks when I was at lunch with a friend.  She was telling me how ridiculous the whole thing was and that I needed to look at moving my daughter.  She asked, “why won’t you move her?”  As the words started to come out of my mouth, the tears started to fall as well, ” I don’t want to take anything else  away from her.  She has lost so much.  She has changed preschools, moved a few times and to take THIS from her to?”  Yes, GUILT.  The guilt I felt as a mother watching her baby girl navigate through each and custody arrangement change, listening to her tell me about the teachers and friends she misses at her old school and the memories she has of the “old house” caused me to try to “protect” her from more change.

In that guilt I was willing to maintain this ridiculous schedule, take time away from my son, add stress to my life and take money from the family.  WOW!  Guilt is a powerful thing.  But by me identifying it I was able to take its power away.

I remembered the resiliency of my daughter.  I remembered my ability to choose a preschool with my daughter’s input.  I remembered all the resources and people I know in the field of early education and made the decision to move my daughter.

Today, October 31, 2011 is my daughter’s last day at the preschool she has been at since she was 3 months old…she is now 3 years old.  The gratitude I feel towards the teachers who have helped raise her in indescribable. I know the teachers truly love my children.  The preschool has been a part of my life for over 5 years.  They have accommodated my various custody schedules for no other reason then to make sure the children felt safe and secure in a time of turmoil. 

It’s a bittersweet day as my kids and I say goodbye one last time.  But the victory comes in me overcoming my guilt.  Not being held down and held back by my guilt and recognizing and acknowledging all my kids and I can enjoy now that we will have more time, resources and less stress.

Word of advice:  Think about some of the things you do as a parent that may seem extreme. It could be anything from making sure your children are dressed immaculately, to stretching yourself so thin to ensure they have all they “need.”  WHY do you do it?  Sure, we love our children.  But really think about the feelings that surface when you discuss these actions.  Then reflect on those emotions and acknowledge where they are coming from.  Your freedom from guilt could be a conversation or journal entry away.

Being a parent is a big responsibility!  What other job requires on the job training, very little guidance or need for qualifications?  And with this, parents are the first to be blamed when things go wrong with their child.  I understood this even before I took on the role as a parent.  I worked with children and families and saw the stress and guilt parents felt as their child went through rough stages in their development.

Now it’s my turn to try to help my children get through a rough patch in their development.  My children are in transition and are, for the most part doing very well!  My son has transitioned to kindergarten seamlessly.  His acquisition of the Spanish language is incredible.  He is one of the few children in his class who has knowledge of the Spanish alphabet and phonetics, thus making him ready to embark on reading…in Spanish!  My daughter is doing well attending 1 preschool and has started taking dance classes and is thriving.

Even with the successes, there are some changes they do not understand, and will take some time to fully grasp.  The custody arrangement has changed.  They used to see their father every other week and stay with him the entire week.  Now they see him (approximately) 3 weekends a month, and unfortunately for the kids, the phone calls FROM him happen every few days.  My daughter calls him often.  My son does not like calling him.   Even though my son does not want to call his father, he misses him immensely.  He is 5 years old and just wants to see his daddy.  Every now and then his effect will change and he will start to cry and it’s because he misses his dad and wants to go to his house.

How do I explain the court system to a 5-year-old?  How do I explain why daddy picks him up on some Fridays, not all of them?  And when he asks why he doesn’t stay at daddy’s house too long, do I reply, “because that’s what the courts say?”  Of course not!  I do the best I can to let him know he will see his dad soon.  We have a calendar so he can mark off the days…but I know that’s not enough.  I allow him to draw pictures when he is sad…but that’s not enough.  When he is missing his father I ask if he wants to call him and my son says no.  So now what?

Now is when I take a step back and acknowledge my limitations as a parent, and in my case, as a Child Development Specialist.  Even with my degrees, my knowledge of emotional development, brain development, with an understanding of what he can and cannot comprehend at 5 years old, I need to admit that it’s not enough.  My limitations as a parent are exposed.  I cannot bring book knowledge and professional expertise and apply it to my baby boy.  My emotions are attached, my heart is attached  and quite honestly, I don’t know what to do help him “feel better.”

I know what will help my son, I know what he needs…but I have no power over making those things happen.  So I do the next best thing I know how to do as a parent…I utilize my resources and think about what I have suggested for parents in the past.  What is taking place in my son is so confusing…how could it not be?  It hurts his feelings, it makes him sad and when he is really sad and confused, he becomes withdrawn.

I’m grateful for OTHER child development professionals who I can call on to help me, my daughter and my son through this transition.  Yes, my limitations have been exposed, and that’s ok.  We all have limitations.  We all come to a point where professional knowledge plays no role in the life of your kids.  So with that,  I allow my son to cry, I pray for my son and I do my best to guide him through this…with the help of other professionals!

As a parent, never be afraid to admit your limitations, to expose your vulnerabilities and to reach out for assistance.  Yes, society EXPECTS us to have all the answers, but we don’t.  Sometimes the best answer is to ask someone else for the answer!  This will show tremendous strength in you!  It takes a strong parent to entrust your child with another person.  You know your child, you know their needs and it truly is O.K. if the information or ideas do not come from you.

It’s that time again.  Time to get the kids up every morning.  Time to cook breakfast to ensure they start the day right.  Time to figure out the most effective ways to get out of the house on time…yes, it’s back to school time!  As parents we come up with a plan on deciding what the kids will wear.  We figure out the quickest way to do their hair and have systems in place to ensure all paperwork gets back to school.  What about school lunches?  Day after day, packing a lunch for your child…one they will eat.  Yes, the school make sit convenient by offering breakfast and lunch.  But this is one area in which I admit to being a control freak.  I want to be the ONLY one deciding what my child will eat (while I can), and on top of that, at my son’s school, if I decided to use the catered breakfast and lunch, I would be paying over $5 a day!  That’s not good for my budget!

I have been packing a lunch for my son daily for a few years now, since preschool did not provide lunch.  I have the basic food groups I cover:

• whole grains
• protein
• fruit and/or veggie
• dairy
• a “sweet treat”

“Do not ask that your kids live up to your expectations.  Let your kids be who they are, and your expectations will be in breathless pursuit.” 

This past weekend my children and I went to an event and were around a number of people who had not seen them in quite some time.  Aside from my daughter growing hair, the next most frequent comment was, “he still sucks his thumb?”  This comment was in reference to my son who is 5 years old.  My response was, “yup, he sure does.”  Some people felt the need to share their opinions with me regarding my son.  One person told me I need to wean him off of his thumb.   Wean my child away from his body part?  Does anyone hear how absurd that is?

Once again, this is a struggle with what society seems appropriate for children at a particular age, verses what they may need developmentally and/or emotionally.  Yes, my 5 year old son sucks his thumb.  But cognitively he is way above his age.  Socially he is able to navigate in new situations, make friends, compromise and share.  If the only “problem” with my child is him sucking his thumb at 5 years old, I’ll take it!  I have met children who at the age of 3 1/2 cannot formualte sentences.  I have worked with children who are 5 years old who will never talk or walk.  And I have seen parents agonize over these developmental delays and when they go home at night, I’m sure they WISH for a child who only sucks their thumb.

Will there be social ramifications for my son as he enters kindergarten if he decides to suck his thumb at school?  Perhaps.  But this is how children learn what is socially acceptable and in what setting certain behaviors can be displayed.  If he gets the sense from his peers sucking his thumb is not ok, that’s a greater influence and learning experience then being shamed at home by his mother.  Emotionally I know this is very comforting for my child.  If you have read my other blog, www.whydidigetmarried.wordpress.com, you would gain an even deeper understanding of my son’s emotional need for comfort.  The past 2 years of his life have been nothing short of chaotic.  Things are constantly changing and as a parent, I provide as much emotional support as possible.  But part of coping and emotional growth is for a child to develop and/or continue with those things that self-soothe.

My daughter was no different.  She had her pacificer until she was over 2 years old and I was “offered” many suggestions on how to wean her as well.  I am a a big believer of attachment parenting and following a child’s developmental cues, so weaning, of any kind, was never part of my parenting syle.  My daughter breastfed until she was 18 months old and weaned herself when SHE was ready.  The same thing happend with her pacifier.  One day the pacifier ripped because she would always bite it.  She came to me, informed me it was broken and threw it in the trash.  This happened on HER terms and she never asked for or looked for a pacifier since.   Did my daughter using a pacifier past the age of 2 effect her speech, effect her developmentally or socially?  Not at all.  What she did learn in fact was how to recognize  her own internal needs.  To listen to those needs, and to recognize when she no longer needed the pacificer.  We didn’t have any power struggles.  There were no episodes of screaming or crying or bribing.  My daughter deciding to throw away her pacifier became a personal milestone for her.  She became a “big girl,” and that night, she went from her crib to a toddler bed.  She was estatic.

The same goes for my son.  When he is ready, on his terms, as he learns how to manage his physical and emotional needs, he will stop sucking his thumb.  As a former thumbsucker myself, I understand the attachment.  I sucked my thumb until I was at least 10 years old.  I learned not to do it at school, learned not to do it in public, but also knew it was readily available if “needed.”  My son will learn the same.

How does this reate to guiding your child’s success?  It ties into trusting them.  Trust them to know what they need.  Trust them to take care of themselves.  It’s also a lesson in supporting your child, regardless of what societal norms might otherwise say.  Many times we impose timeframes on our children out of the fear of being judged as a parent.  Yes, society can be hard on parents.  We are to blame for everything that is “not right” in our children.  I let go of that a long time ago!  I know me and I know my children.  Lastly, supporting your child and follwing their lead will take away any shame and guilt from you.  As I have stated in previous posts, the most important thing we can give our child is unconditional love and support.  Allow them to be themselves when they are home without the fear of being judged or belittled.  So if my son goes all day without sucking his thumb at school that great!  But when he gets home, if he wants to lay his head in mommy’s lap, relax and suck his thumb, I will accept that.

Children move through stages and phases at various rates.  How long will my son be in this stage?  Only time will tell!  Stay tuned….

Preparing for a new school year seems to be overwhelming.  I keep reading about back to school supplies and lists given to parents by the school and blogs about the newest snacks.  Just reading it is overwhelming. 

My mind is in a different area when I think about a new school year.  First, let me confess, this is my first time getting ready for school.  Yes, I am a newbie and my son will be headed to kindergarten in a few weeks!  Exciting? Definitely!  Am I nervous? Of course!  As I get ready for school I have my own list of “must -do” and “must knows” and I will admit, they may seem a little overwhelming to some:
•Who is my sons’s teacher?
•How will they handle the transition/possible separation anxiety on the first day?
•Can I get (another) copy of the classroom songs amd reading list?
•What is the best form of communication: phone, email, in person or letter?

My list continues and in my opinion, this not only calms my nerves, but it will also be calming to my son because I will be able to answer any of his questions and mommy won’t be a wreck!  Another important aspect is that is makes me proactive in guiding my child’s success!  I have asked these qusstions and more.  The Program Director knows me, has emailed me at various times (which I appreciate) and I’m sure has NO doubt in her mind as to the level of involvement and partnering I am open to as a way to ensure my child transitions successfully.

I know I am truly blessed to have found an amazing charter school that not only embraces parents like myself, but encourages extensive involvement!  The school has been getting to know my child since May, when he had his “welcome appointment” at school.  This was a time for me to chat with the program director about my son, while one of the kindergarten teachers assessed my son’s skills through play and got a sense of his personality and temperment.  They have gotten to know me and my child even more as he completes kinder academy.  A parent and me program inside the kindergarten classroom to give the children (and parents) insight into the daily curriculum. 

So yes, as some buy supplies, I create more time with my son at his new school.  I know the transition will be tough at times.  Oh, I failed to mention this is a dual language program.  No English is spoken to the children in kindergten and most of first grade.  My son has already said to me, “mommy, the teacher doesn’t know english!”  He is adapting, but luckily, so will many of his other classmates…and me as well.

Let the journey of school begin and never be afraid or ashamed to be “that” parent.  Your child’s success is depending on you!

A number of articles discuss children’s language development, how parents can hinder or add to their vocabulary development and comprehension, and the importance of acquiring these skills to ensure early academic and social success.  But what about the language of parents?  How does this play a role in your child’s development of not only language, but their self-esteem as well?  How we speak to our children, the words used, the tone and even our facial expressions teach children about what YOU perceive to be right and wrong.

Here’s a scenario:  your child is carrying a plate to the sink and they drop it.  As you look at your child, you see they jump back with a scared look on their face because internally, they know they made a mistake.  They look at you immediately, fearfully awaiting your response.  What is your response to your child?  Think about not only the words you use, but also the expression on your face.  What are your telling your child externally?

Many parents react with anger, disappointment and the choice of words used will add shame to what a child has done.  I have heard such things as , “What are you doing?”  “You need to be more careful?”   “Are you paying attention?”   I see these questions as rhetorical questions because many parents who yell these things to their children ae not actually looking for a response.  These responses come from a place of frustration, or truly believing your child is just being careless, which may, or may not be the case.  But what messages are you sending to your child?  As they look up at you, already feeling bad for dropping their plate, are your words offering support for your child’s efforts, or adding to the shame and guilt already felt internally?

Here is the alternative ending to the scenario: Your child drops the plate and you show genuine concern and acknowledge their efforts. “Are you ok?”  ” Oh man, you dropped the plate.  That’s ok.  Do you need help cleaning up?”  “I know it can be tricky walking and holding your plate sometimes.”  These are alternative responses that give your child the sense that making mistakes is ok…because it is.  Even if there’s a mess on the floor, that’s ok, just clean it up.  If the plate broke, that’ s ok, mommy will clean it up. 

As parents our goal should be to instill confidence in our children.  Confidence to make mistakes and try again.  Confidence to know if a mistake is made they will not get into trouble or feel belittled.  Most importantly, confidence to feel safe to be who they are at home: mistakes and all.  This way of speaking to our children is called the Language of Encouragement.  It definitely is something that takes time to learn.  It takes time to stop and think about a response of encouragement and support.  Many times it may feel unnatural, but once you get the hang of it and see the reactions and boost of confidence your child receives from it, you will not want to revert back to speaking to your child as usual. Below are examples of responses and what they demonstrate.

Phrases that demonstrate acceptance:

• “I like the way you handled that”
• “I’m glad you enjoy learning
• “How do you feel about it?”

Phrases that show confidence:

• “I have confidence in your judgement”
• “That’s a tough one, but I’m sure you’ll work it out”
• “You’ll figure it out.  You are good at this type of work.”

Phrases that focus on contribution, assets and appreciation:

• “Thanks! That helped a lot”
• “It was thoughtful of you to _________”
• “Thanks! I really appreciate __________, because it makes my job easier

Phrases that recognize effort and improvement

• “It looks like you worked really hard on that”
• “It looks like you spent a lot of time on that”
• “I see that you’re almost half way through your homework”

 In summary, the language of encouragement helps to establish the following feelings with your child:

• Valuing and accepting children as they are (not putting conditions on acceptance)
• Pointing out the positive aspects of their behavior
• Showing faith in children so they believe in themselves
• Recognizing effort and improvement (rather than requiring achievement)
• Showing appreciation for contributions

As you begin to practice your new language as a parent, take note of the behavior changes in your child.  Notice how your complete acceptance of who they are will cause their sense of independence and confidence to be enhanced.  And notice how your level of frustration is decreased.  As we begin to accept our children including their limitations, we then begin to truly see all of their amazing and wonderful abilities!

Many parents have a routine they use with their children for pick up and drop off at school/daycare.  This may include walking your child into the class, getting them settled and saying good morning to the teachers.  The pick up routine  may be similar: your children runs to greet you, you ask the teacher how your child did today and off to the parent pouch or cubby to gather your child’s belongings.

These are great interactions, but have you ever taken the time to look around the classroom and truly understand the environment your child is a part of for the majority of the day?  A big part of understanding your child’s learning environment come from asking relevant questions…continuously.  I’m not suggesting you interview your child’s teacher on a daily basis, but being actively involved in what goes on in the classroom not only puts you on the radar with your child’s teachers and administrators, but it shows your child and the adults just how much you care and how much you are invested in the success of your child(ren).

Your child’s environment includes everything from who they play with, what they eat during the day, the books read and even where the artwork is positioned (is it at the child’s eye level so they can admire what they have done and talk about it with you and their friends, or is it up high, being used as decoration) and how the furniture is arranged.  Is the environment as a whole conducive to YOUR child’s learning style?  Is the teacher responding to your child’s needs in a way that is familiar to him/her?

There are a number of ways to start a dialogue with the teachers.  When you pick up your child, ask them (your child) what they did today and who they played with.  Knowing that information is a good conversation starter with their teacher.  You are now in a position to say, “my son said he played with Todd today and really enjoyed stamp art…”  This will show the teacher you are ready to have a conversation, not just hear a one word response.   You are also in a position now to ask other questions and share more information about your child’s likes, dislikes, ways of doing things:

1. Who does my child usually play with?

2. Does he enjoy circle time, because at home he seems to prefer playing outside as opposed to sitting and reading?

3. Does he eat all of his lunch?  And again, share facts about your child, “at home he snacks all day and never drinks milk!”

These questions are very non threatening  and allow you to get  a glimpse into your child’s personality at school, and you can gauge how well your child’s teacher knows them.  When you talk to teachers regularly, they begin to expect it, so when tough topics come up, you will have already established a history of asking questions and have already created an open relationship.  After all, if you cannot talk open and honestly about how your child is doing, discuss any concerns you may have either at home or at school, or you do not feel comforatble doing this, then how can a successful partnership be established?  Your child’s teacher carries a big responsibility and spends a great deal of time with your child.  The ability to communicate open and honestly is most important.

Remember, a learning environment is made up of a number of parts:  the teacher, the other children, the classroom set up, the culture of the class and most importantly, your child.  Gaining an understanding of how these parts work together, and how you can add to the ease of them working together is another step in guiding your child’s success.

It’s Saturday morning, your children are probably already awake and the chaos of early morning has begun.  This is a very common scene in my house: mommy is sleeping, the kids wake up about 6:00, mommy STILL wants to sleep, but alas, duty calls! 

With all of the responsibity of running a household, how can we incorporate our children and create a learning and bonding process, instead of one where we hope they stay out of our way or opt to put a movie on so we can do all that needs to be done in peace?  At first this may not seem possible, but 3 things are a given:

1. Children LOVE to help!
2. Children LOVE to imitate!
3. Children LOVE to learn!

These 3 things are all you need to know to make a Saturday morning chore day, into an enjoyable learning experience for your child, maintain a peaceful household,  ensure your child gets very little screen time (TV, computers, and video games) and it’s help for YOU!!

I created and facilitated a parent training for a Head Start agency decsribing all the ways your child can help around the house, and explained the cognitive and/or social skills being reinforced through the process.  Parents were amazed!  Yes, your child helping you sort laundry is an excellent way to reinforce or introduce the math concept of categories, while buiding on their knowledge of colors:
” all of the white socks go over here, all of the green and blue socks here and the pink in this pile.”  The process of comparing and contrasting the size of the piles and counting the socks is a math lesson in itself, while modeling working cooperatively. 

My children enjoy vacuuming, washing dishes, cleaning up and they absolutely LOVE doing laundry and folding their own clothes.  I have their laundry basket next to me and tell them all of their folded clothes go in their basket.  Are the clothes folded “nicely” or in a way I would fold them?  Not at all, but it’s the process that is much more imoortant than the product.  It’s the sense of accomplishment your child feels as they fold their clothes, it’s the bonding, conversations and laughter that that takes precedence over “nicely folded clothes.”  These moments are priceless!

So before you say no to your child when they ask to help you with something ask yourself:

1. What WILL they learn from this experience?
2. Are there any safety concerns I can prevent?
3. Is the happiness of my child more important than efficiency?

The old Chinese Proverb is true, “Tell me and I’ll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I’ll understand.”

Remember, learning is a process of doing.  Learning is not confined to school, formal lessons or flashcards.  Give your child the opportunity to learn and be successful in the safety of their home. The confidence and knowledge they attain and retain will follow them in all they do!