*This is a previously written post from my other blog: www.whydidigetmarried.wordpress.com. It felt appropriate to include it in this blog as well.
“The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else.”
FINALLY! A decision has been made as to where the kids will live most of the time. I know the courts favor a 50/50 split, but in my experience, I am not for it. Why? Because my ex and I have very different views on money, materialism, beauty, ways to enhance/build self esteem, health, and unconditional love. In his defense, much of what we don’t see eye to eye on has to do with upbringing…ok fine, I will stop making excuses for him! He’s all about image, he buys into society’s values on everything from beauty, fashion, cars and homes. On the other hand, I am the COMPLETE opposite!
When a 50/50 split in custody time is given and values are not the same, a power struggle begins. For me, I was not only up against my ex (and his family), I am also going toe to toe with society. I can deal with certain things. If you want the kids to eat chicken nuggets 2-3 times a week, fine. If you want to overindulged the kids in toys and clothes, fine. But when my 2 year old daughter comes home with a Barbie video and starts telling me that Barbie is pretty..NOW we have a problem! Call me deep, tell me I’m overreacting, but isn’t this how young girls nowadays are force fed society’s standard of beauty? And it’s not just my daughter, my son is picking up on what society thinks as well.
My son has asked me on more than 1 occasion when his skin is going to be light like me and my daughter’s, because he has been brown for a long time. He is 4 years old, and when I hear that it breaks my heart! In watching the clips from the “Dark Girls” documentary that is circulating, I cannot help but think back to my own experiences, and think forward to what things will be like for my little girl. Will she come home after being teased for her skin color or hair? Will my son continue to want to become lighter, or even worse, begin to believe that lighter is better? These topics make me physically sick to my stomach. As a parent who does my best to divert my children from societal norms, it’s tough when Dad does things differently. T.V. at mommy’s house is virtually non-resistant. Fast food is not even asked for. If we are at the store, the kids will ask for toys or videos (because all children do), but know how selective mommy is, and appreciate it all the more when mommy (finally) does say yes. Am I being extreme? Perhaps. But the world and all the messages my babies are bombarded with are more extreme. It is my duty as a mother to protect my children from anything that will cause them harm: food and advertisements are not exempt.
While I was going through my custody dispute I had people tell me, “the kids will be fine whether they are with you or with their dad. It’s their dad and he loves them.” I understand he loves them, but psychologically can he cultivate self-love and self esteem in my bi-racial children? I know first hand the experiences, I have heard the comments, I have lived through the questions and looks. Can open and honest conversations be had with my kids by someone who refuses to believe there is no problem? So yes, whether or not the kids lived with me most of the time or their dad they would be clothed, they would be fed, they would get baths and go to sleep each night. But when they lay down their heads, would they sleep soundly, knowing that how they are, who they are and what they will become is more than enough, regardless what society says? I couldn’t say yes without having any doubts…so I continued with the battle to ensure my children could hold on to their authentic self as long as possible. My babies tell me their thoughts and feelings, they ask questions to things they don’t understand. Sometimes I know the answer. But in times when my son asks when his skin will become lighter, all I can do as his mommy is reassure him that however his skin looks today, tomorrow, or the next day, he is the most handsome little boy and mommy loves him.
So the question remains: in a divorce there are 2 parents, 1 society and a power struggle. How can one ensure their perspective takes precedence?
My advice: Be honest with your children. You cannot protect your children from everything, but YOU are the parent and YOU have the last say. Be an example to your children. They watch everything we do! My kids love their curly hair because mommy’s hair is curly, too. My kids love music because mommy loves music. You are your child’s first teacher, greatest influence, and biggest example on how to live beyond what society says is pretty and acceptable. I KNOW that in spite of my efforts, there will be heartbreak, confusion and hurt feelings for my babies. I cannot protect them from that. I can only give them a safe place to come home to. A place where they can just be who they are: 1 brown skin, 1 lighter skin, both curly heads…as cute as they want to be, and PERFECT just the way they are!
